Blessed!!

I have been blessed to meet amazing people this year. Beyond blessed!! I have been blessed to be given eyes so that I can see, I have been blessed to be given a voice so that I can speak. I have been blessed to learn how much I have so that material things will never own me again - my pursuit is to share joy - to share the blessings. I want for nothing. I have a vision to share the pursuit of joy! Together - all is possible!

To All Jane Does

STAY STRONG!! Hugs - Jane Doe 02

Shout Out!

We are not alone! Today I want to give a shout out to Jane Doe 01, Jane Doe 03 and Jane Doe 04 - also a big huge shout out to the other Jane Does - the ones who wish to remain anonymous!

Jane Doe 02

What Does a Victim Look Like?

Somewhere in the inches of documentation regarding my case the U highlighted a passage where I had told my therapist that I feared that because I don’t look like a victim that I wouldn’t win my case. My therapist got it mostly right – I did say I feared that because I apparently don’t “look’ like a victim if my case were to go to a jury trial, that my “looks” could influence a jury. Important point, I didn’t say if I don’t “act” like a victim. The U was trying to frame it as though therefore I was not really a victim, just trying to “act” like a victim. In that area, no acting is required. I am what I am, I act like I feel.

Brings me to last night.

I went to a very good friend’s "bye to our old" house party last night. While some of the women were sitting around talking I happened to mention that I had received an email from Tony Robbins talking about the new show coming out called “Breakthrough with Tony Robbins,” with the idea of coaching people who are struggling because of a tragic event or set of circumstances so they could start a new life. I said I thought it would be a fabulous idea to try to get on the show. Those words had no more come out of my mouth than one of the women laughed and said “YOU?” “You are so together, they want someone with problems! Can you cry on demand?” and so on… I responded by saying that if she knew my circumstances she might think differently. One of the other women, knowing a little about my circumstances immediately changed the topic of conversation.

This woman didn’t know me at all, where I lived, my situation, nothing. Yet she made a judgment that everything about my life must be fine because of my appearance. Which frankly I guess I should be flattered, but I am not. It many ways that kind of attitude only makes my sadness deeper. It is as if my pain doesn’t count because of the way I look. Honestly, I wish I did look the way I feel, being taken seriously would be easier and maybe then getting help would be much easier.

The other side of the "looks" sword is that apparently if you "look" fine but aren't people get upset with you. Like you had some magic gift that you wasted and it was your fault - not the fault of the rapist - your fault. Sometimes I really do wish I had a big scar on my face - would I "look" like a victim then?

I suppose taking a lesson from the Scarlett Letter, it would be best to brandish victims with a big “V” so that people would know how to identify us. Perhaps an “S” for survivor – and then maybe we should have a whole alphabet soup – “C” for Cancer, “D” for Domestic Violence, “R” for Rape – anyway I hope you see my point. You cannot tell by looking

Hope

I think about my anger. I think about my post last week. What I see is frustration. I was once told that the difference between disappointment and frustration is that disappointment is a feeling that you can no longer change the situation; frustration is a knowing that you can.

With frustration there is hope. Jane Doe 02

I will get better

It is difficult to explain how my entire belief system seems to have been shattered. I took for granted how much we rely on our beliefs about how the world works to function normally in this world. I want to be happy and hopeful once more.

I think about last October and this March – the last two occasions when I drank in an effort to completely obliterate my thoughts – anniversary dates. Last October there were multiple issues that were facing me, including the anniversary date.

I had just been told a few months earlier, in the facilitation meeting to settle all the victim’s cases that the U was willing to settle the other cases, but my case had no merit. To be told that your life has less value is profoundly saddening, especially in light of the fact that I had the courage to turn the man in, that I had hung in there until the case was taken seriously.

Then, I was forced to go see a psychiatrist that the U had selected. I really did not want to go, but I was told if I didn’t go that my case could be dismissed. As part of healing, I have been told to learn to set boundaries, to learn how to say no. Yet, I was not allowed to say no to a situation that I knew would cause me even more emotional harm. Ultimately, I would be right about this psychiatrist. His purpose was to paint me in a bad light. The interview was supposed to have been recorded, but low and behold, when my attorney asked for a copy of the tape, it had “magically” disappeared. Oh, I mean the tape recorder didn’t work. My attorney had asked for the meeting to be videotaped. I wish they had allowed it, because he could then go back and play what I had actually said versus what was written in the psychiatrist’s report. Apparently, he didn’t have the facts to support a good story so he had to make one up – a tape of the interview would not support his findings. It is also profoundly saddening to feel so powerless to defend myself. Or that attempts to defend myself would be viewed as “blaming” or “excusing.” My life has not been led that way, I have been a survivor. My self-esteem and feelings of self-doubt make it difficult for me to believe that I could be found to be more credible than this psychiatrist.

All of this was happening just about two years after I was in the midst of discovering what a monster my therapist had been to his patients. I was losing my strength and courage to continue the fight. I lost the desire to live. I tried to commit suicide. I lived. So here I am, still fighting. Yet looking forward to the day that the fight is no longer a fight – rather a matter of living with compassion and contribution.

Do I really have a drinking problem? I don’t think so; I think I have a problem with believing, having faith, and having courage. I think I am discouraged and frustrated. I think this is not the way I want to live.

I also now realize why so many survivors have difficulty with anniversary dates. I don’t know how I will handle them in the future, but I know to say to myself “Danger Will Robinson, Danger!” and to make a plan to do something outside of myself for the day or the week or whatever it takes.

Today, I talked to a friend about how tired I was and how it was getting more difficult to rely on my faith to continue to carry me forward. She likened my situation to being in a marathon – how tired people get at the nineteenth mile. I liked that comparison, somehow it helped pull me up and allowed me to continue to move forward.

I am looking forward to going to a thirty-day dual-diagnosis problem. I am looking forward to having the time to start picking up the pieces and putting them back together again in a safe place. I have no illusions that I will be “fixed” in thirty days. I am hoping that this will be a good jump start to a long term process of healing.

I am looking forward to feeling joy, I am looking forward to true laughter. Jane Doe 02

I Said No

I haven't added to my blog in over a week. Not meaning that I have nothing left to say. I have a lot more to say. I am just in the midst of having my life being dissected in a way as to make me look like "I asked for it." And OMG, as if RAPE DOESN”T MATTER!!! JUST GET OVER IT – MOVE ON – Hell if I hadn’t been raped, I don’t think I would be such a mess. All that seems to matter to those who want to “fix me” is that if on those occasions of the anniversary of my rape, the anniversary of his conviction, etc. etc. I wouldn’t drink. Of course to them, rape doesn’t matter. Such a small matter. NOT TO ME! If I did not drink than all my problems would be solved.- LOL ! I don’t want to offend anyone, but attending AA meetings will not stop my nightmares. I also think that suggesting that as a resolution to my problems is perhaps naïve at best. I am trying to be nice. If AA works for you then GREAT! It doesn’t work for me. I am not a Christian – I am an inclusionist. I have decided to check myself into a thirty day program that isn’t an AA program. I hope it helps. I hope someone will hear my cries. I hope, I hope I hope.

Please let me know you hear me.