What Does a Victim Look Like?

Somewhere in the inches of documentation regarding my case the U highlighted a passage where I had told my therapist that I feared that because I don’t look like a victim that I wouldn’t win my case. My therapist got it mostly right – I did say I feared that because I apparently don’t “look’ like a victim if my case were to go to a jury trial, that my “looks” could influence a jury. Important point, I didn’t say if I don’t “act” like a victim. The U was trying to frame it as though therefore I was not really a victim, just trying to “act” like a victim. In that area, no acting is required. I am what I am, I act like I feel.

Brings me to last night.

I went to a very good friend’s "bye to our old" house party last night. While some of the women were sitting around talking I happened to mention that I had received an email from Tony Robbins talking about the new show coming out called “Breakthrough with Tony Robbins,” with the idea of coaching people who are struggling because of a tragic event or set of circumstances so they could start a new life. I said I thought it would be a fabulous idea to try to get on the show. Those words had no more come out of my mouth than one of the women laughed and said “YOU?” “You are so together, they want someone with problems! Can you cry on demand?” and so on… I responded by saying that if she knew my circumstances she might think differently. One of the other women, knowing a little about my circumstances immediately changed the topic of conversation.

This woman didn’t know me at all, where I lived, my situation, nothing. Yet she made a judgment that everything about my life must be fine because of my appearance. Which frankly I guess I should be flattered, but I am not. It many ways that kind of attitude only makes my sadness deeper. It is as if my pain doesn’t count because of the way I look. Honestly, I wish I did look the way I feel, being taken seriously would be easier and maybe then getting help would be much easier.

The other side of the "looks" sword is that apparently if you "look" fine but aren't people get upset with you. Like you had some magic gift that you wasted and it was your fault - not the fault of the rapist - your fault. Sometimes I really do wish I had a big scar on my face - would I "look" like a victim then?

I suppose taking a lesson from the Scarlett Letter, it would be best to brandish victims with a big “V” so that people would know how to identify us. Perhaps an “S” for survivor – and then maybe we should have a whole alphabet soup – “C” for Cancer, “D” for Domestic Violence, “R” for Rape – anyway I hope you see my point. You cannot tell by looking

Hope

I think about my anger. I think about my post last week. What I see is frustration. I was once told that the difference between disappointment and frustration is that disappointment is a feeling that you can no longer change the situation; frustration is a knowing that you can.

With frustration there is hope. Jane Doe 02

I will get better

It is difficult to explain how my entire belief system seems to have been shattered. I took for granted how much we rely on our beliefs about how the world works to function normally in this world. I want to be happy and hopeful once more.

I think about last October and this March – the last two occasions when I drank in an effort to completely obliterate my thoughts – anniversary dates. Last October there were multiple issues that were facing me, including the anniversary date.

I had just been told a few months earlier, in the facilitation meeting to settle all the victim’s cases that the U was willing to settle the other cases, but my case had no merit. To be told that your life has less value is profoundly saddening, especially in light of the fact that I had the courage to turn the man in, that I had hung in there until the case was taken seriously.

Then, I was forced to go see a psychiatrist that the U had selected. I really did not want to go, but I was told if I didn’t go that my case could be dismissed. As part of healing, I have been told to learn to set boundaries, to learn how to say no. Yet, I was not allowed to say no to a situation that I knew would cause me even more emotional harm. Ultimately, I would be right about this psychiatrist. His purpose was to paint me in a bad light. The interview was supposed to have been recorded, but low and behold, when my attorney asked for a copy of the tape, it had “magically” disappeared. Oh, I mean the tape recorder didn’t work. My attorney had asked for the meeting to be videotaped. I wish they had allowed it, because he could then go back and play what I had actually said versus what was written in the psychiatrist’s report. Apparently, he didn’t have the facts to support a good story so he had to make one up – a tape of the interview would not support his findings. It is also profoundly saddening to feel so powerless to defend myself. Or that attempts to defend myself would be viewed as “blaming” or “excusing.” My life has not been led that way, I have been a survivor. My self-esteem and feelings of self-doubt make it difficult for me to believe that I could be found to be more credible than this psychiatrist.

All of this was happening just about two years after I was in the midst of discovering what a monster my therapist had been to his patients. I was losing my strength and courage to continue the fight. I lost the desire to live. I tried to commit suicide. I lived. So here I am, still fighting. Yet looking forward to the day that the fight is no longer a fight – rather a matter of living with compassion and contribution.

Do I really have a drinking problem? I don’t think so; I think I have a problem with believing, having faith, and having courage. I think I am discouraged and frustrated. I think this is not the way I want to live.

I also now realize why so many survivors have difficulty with anniversary dates. I don’t know how I will handle them in the future, but I know to say to myself “Danger Will Robinson, Danger!” and to make a plan to do something outside of myself for the day or the week or whatever it takes.

Today, I talked to a friend about how tired I was and how it was getting more difficult to rely on my faith to continue to carry me forward. She likened my situation to being in a marathon – how tired people get at the nineteenth mile. I liked that comparison, somehow it helped pull me up and allowed me to continue to move forward.

I am looking forward to going to a thirty-day dual-diagnosis problem. I am looking forward to having the time to start picking up the pieces and putting them back together again in a safe place. I have no illusions that I will be “fixed” in thirty days. I am hoping that this will be a good jump start to a long term process of healing.

I am looking forward to feeling joy, I am looking forward to true laughter. Jane Doe 02

I Said No

I haven't added to my blog in over a week. Not meaning that I have nothing left to say. I have a lot more to say. I am just in the midst of having my life being dissected in a way as to make me look like "I asked for it." And OMG, as if RAPE DOESN”T MATTER!!! JUST GET OVER IT – MOVE ON – Hell if I hadn’t been raped, I don’t think I would be such a mess. All that seems to matter to those who want to “fix me” is that if on those occasions of the anniversary of my rape, the anniversary of his conviction, etc. etc. I wouldn’t drink. Of course to them, rape doesn’t matter. Such a small matter. NOT TO ME! If I did not drink than all my problems would be solved.- LOL ! I don’t want to offend anyone, but attending AA meetings will not stop my nightmares. I also think that suggesting that as a resolution to my problems is perhaps naïve at best. I am trying to be nice. If AA works for you then GREAT! It doesn’t work for me. I am not a Christian – I am an inclusionist. I have decided to check myself into a thirty day program that isn’t an AA program. I hope it helps. I hope someone will hear my cries. I hope, I hope I hope.

Please let me know you hear me.

Life Uncommon

These are the lyrics to this version of Life Uncommon - Enjoy

I've heard your anguish, I've heard your hearts cry out
We are tired, oh we are weary, but don't say that you're worn out
Set down your chains, til only faith remains
Set down your chains

And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a life uncommon

There are plenty of people and they pray for peace
But if praying were enough oh you know it would've come to be
Well never, never, never let your words enslave no one
And the heavens will hush themselves
To hear our, our voices ring our clear
Oh, with sounds of freedom
Oh, sounds of freedom

Come on you unbelievers, oh, move out of the way
There is, there is a new army coming, oh, and we are armed with faith
Oh, to live, we must give, amen

And lend your voices only to sounds of freedom
No longer lend your strength to that which we wish to be free from
Fill your lives with love and bravery and you shall lead a life uncommon

Fill your lives with love and bravery
And you shall lead a life uncommon

God is wathing us, god is watching us
God is watching us from a distance

God is wathing us, god is watching us
God is watching us from a distance

To a life uncommon (Easier said then done! Yet a flicker of hope remains!) - Jane Doe 02

To Tell or Not to Tell

Which hell is worse?

While I was in the TBI program, my therapist would encourage me to talk about having been sexually assaulted. How it had made me feel. He encouraged me to “continue to peel back the layers”; to tell him about the worst thing I had ever done. I had never told anyone about the worst thing I had ever done – it was not to tell anyone that I had been sexually assaulted by a man I knew had sexually assaulted someone else. Not telling creates its own private hell. Knowing what I know now, I am not sure I would have been able to withstand the brutality and cruelty that can be inflicted on someone who reports rape back then. But now, knowing what pain it can cause another victim to not have her story believed, and knowing that he would probably do it again, I had no choice. No matter what was going to happen to me, I was determined to keep telling my story until I was heard.

One of the many things I resent about my therapist is that he put me in a position where I felt I had no choice but to tell what he had done. He had asked me about my sexual assault history, and then he reenacted my prior abuse without my consent. Every intuition that I had was telling me that I was not his only victim, and that if I did not tell, he would sexually assault more of his patients.

Not only did his abuse change who I am, but the process of telling has also created permanent changes to the core of the person that I used to be before he came into my life. Because of the nature of his abuse, when I turned him in, I not only had to be believed about what I said about what he had done, but also about my history of abuse. The silence that I had learned to use to protect myself in the past would now make one person after another question the integrity of everything that I said. Silence was how I had learned to handle what I then thought would bring me and my family shame. I also thought that most people understood that most victims carried their secrets, rarely revealing their pain. Since I believed that to be true, the fact that my prior silence could be questioned with such vehemence was confusing. I was being sent mixed messages, feeling mixed emotions and mixed up – to say the least.

Sadly enough, if my intuition had not proved to be correct, that there were other victims, nothing would ever have been done. He would not have lost his job, and he would not have been prosecuted.

Telling is like climbing a very steep set of stairs, at first it seemed impossible, but then I began the climb. During the climb, I would get scared and just want to run back to the bottom where I once felt comfortable. Silence can be comfortable. It helped to hide my shame. But then I realized shame is not an emotion I should have ever been made to feel. So I continued to climb. Someday, I will reach the top of the stairs and I will be able to breathe again.

Telling is difficult, it comes out piece by piece. Even as I write this I realize how much more there is to tell.

That brings me to my mixed emotions over being Jane Doe 02. I vacillate over the concern to protect my privacy and my desire to regain my dignity. Being told I cannot use my name makes me feel like I don’t count, that what happened to me is shameful. It also makes me feel like I am expected to continue to be silent about what happened to me. I already feel like my sadness is a burden to my friends, my family and to some extent my community. Feeling as though I must continue to keep my story secret is another burden I must bear. For me, I can no longer bear the burden of silence. I realize however, that wanting to use my real name is idealistic. I have seen firsthand how ignorant or cruel people can be to victims. I have been told that I was trying to ruin a good man’s life. I have been told that I should have left it up to God to determine his punishment. Yes, I have even been told that I asked for it, that it was my fault. Some of the insinuations as to my motives for telling were to primarily to protect the self-interest of the party making the insinuations; meant to reinforce myths that real rape only occurs by strangers that jump out from behind bushes. And some of the insinuations were merely an attempt at blame shifting – an attempt to focus the blame on me rather than having to look at themselves in the mirror. The ignorance and cruelty makes me sad. I also realize that there are very disturbed individuals that potentially would want to harm me if they knew my name.

Maybe someday I will regain my voice; be able to say my name and be given the respect and understanding that all victims of sexual assault deserve. The ignorance must end so that sexual assault can end. There is strength in numbers. Here is to hoping that one day, there will be more shame in having raped than being raped.

Wishing survivors freedom from shame. Jane Doe 02

Frustration

I am almost at my wits end. I am so tired of being anxious all the time. I know I need help. I am waiting to get the money to go into a residential treatment program. I am white-knuckling it for now.

Today, I have been alternating between curling up on the floor and rocking to getting up and saying I can do it.

I asked myself if I were my best friend what would I say to me. I think I would say that I am sorry that you are in such pain. I think I would say the pain won’t last forever. I would say I miss your smile and I miss your laugh.

It is really difficult. To look at my friends and family in the eye and see how my pain causes them pain is terrible. I say I am sorry. I try to pretend. Sometimes pretending to be o.k. is so exhausting. Some days, like today, I just can’t do it. I want to tell the self that is my best friend that I will be ok. Maybe tomorrow.

I will try again tomorrow.

Today, I need a hug. Jane Doe 02

I'd Need to Sleep

I don’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep. Too often, as soon as my head hits my pillow an unpleasant and random memory flashes through my mind. Sometimes I leave the TV on to drown out my thoughts. Or on nights like tonight, I just don’t sleep at all.

Too many nights I wake up in a panic, feeling the scream that wants to come out, but usually only kicking at an imagined attacker. Too many mornings, I wake up in tears, and have to get out of bed before the sadness of my dreams overwhelms me.

I am exhausted all the time.

So, to the people at the University of Michigan (and I do realize that it is just a few people) that are making decisions about the handling of my case, I’ll ask the following question.

Does it help you to sleep at night to tell yourself that:

• You take anonymous complaints seriously. (Although you ignored my anonymous complaints and allowed Mr. Higgins to keep working.)
• This kind of thing rarely happens. (Is that what you said the last time it happened? Is that what will you say that the next time it happens? Does that make it less egregious?)
• This kind of thing will never happen again. (Have you taken any steps to make sure it doesn’t?)
• It was my choice to report him, I didn’t HAVE to do it. (Therefore my choice to allow you to make my life hell for reporting him?)
• I only reported him because I was jealous. (Does it make you feel better to belittle the courage it took for me to tell? Does it make you feel clever to insinuate something even you don't believe to be true?)
• It is not important to look me in the eyes or to watch the video of my deposition. (After all, if you did, you might see real pain.)
• Because I was raped before, one more rape doesn’t make a big difference. (Even though it is well documented that retraumatizing a victim by a therapist can have horrible consequences?)
• Because Mr. Higgins didn’t claim to rape anyone that it didn’t happen? (Even though he has a huge incentive to lie.)
• He turned from Dr. Jeckyll into Mr. Hyde in 2004. (Even though you know that his abusive behavior began long before that?)
• He only abused the patients that filed criminal and civil charges before the statute of limitations ran out? (Did you even try to find out if there were more?)
• It wasn't a REAL promise you made to get me therapy to recover from my abuse almost two years ago. (After all, if I had gotten real help then you wouldn't have been able to get so much juicy information regarding my deteriorating mental health to use against me.)
• No one at the University of Michigan could have done anything to stop it. (Even though the signs he was abusing his position were all there?)

What else do you do to sleep at night? I’d like to know, because I’d like to sleep well too.

Wishing all survivor's sweet and happy dreams. Jane Doe 02

John Floyd Thomas, Jr.

I am listening to the story of John Floyd Thomas, Jr. on Nightline; perhaps one of the most prolific serial-rapists/serial killers of our time. They are talking about how likeable he was; what a good neighbor he was; how he professed his religious beliefs.

I like to watch comedy central. I don't remember who told this sad but true joke because I would give them credit, but it went something like this.

"I like to watch late night TV and often times they have shows about serial killers. In the interviews the neighbors always say that the killer seemed like such a nice man. I should hope so, if he seemed like a serial killer I should think that the body count would have been much lower."

The story and the joke made me shake my head regarding the efforts to get attention paid to the true nature of el Diablo.

I hope that in time no one will believe that he only abused 4 or 5 of his patients; especially given that he had access to over 3,000 patients. I hope that someday people will believe that he didn't just wake up one day in 2004 and decide to start abusing patients. I hope that someday people will believe that he didn't take a long break in his abuse since there is evidence his abusive behavior began a long time ago. I hope that someday the people he worked with will have the guts to admit they knew something was wrong.

Clarification

This thought has been with my all weekend. Previously, I wrote that the University of Michigan had settled all the other victims’ cases. That is true only in the sense that they have settled all the other cases for which they have admitted liability.

There is another Jane Doe out there for whom the University has yet to admit liability. At this time, the University has submitted a motion to dismiss her case. I don't believe the Judge has written her decision on the motion yet.

I know that the Judge understands that Mr. Higgins was a monster; that his behavior and actions were beyond egregious. However, I have also learned that sometimes the law has little to do with justice. So I send out my thoughts:

Please Judge, do not dismiss her case. Please Judge, let her pain be validated. Please Judge, hear my thoughts.

I hesitated before writing this post. I would be horrified if in anyway bringing attention to her situation would have negative consequences for her. It took me a long time to be ready to tell my story; to risk potentially negative feedback. I don’t know if it is my right to ask for your hopes for her, but I want her to know that she too, is not alone.

Hugs to every Jane Doe. Jane Doe 02

Mini-Vacation Required

Although the floodgates have opened and all I want to do is write, write, write, I realize I must also eat, sleep, pay bills and otherwise take care of myself. I am riding the roller coaster of emotions and am currently in need of a good cry. I feel it coming on.

This weekend I have made a promise to a friend to help out with an event at her church. Since I made the promise, I have an obligation to be present. Therefore, I will not be signing on the the site until Monday.

I also need to spend a little more time reqrouping. The winter semester has ended, and I haven't made myself a schedule for the summertime. I need a schedule to keep me focused. I have a very disorganized mind but can do very well if I write out what I need to do and when.

Feeling exhausted, time for a rest.

Hugs to all! Jane Doe

Hands - Jewel

Tonight I am feeling outraged. The subject of my outrage is not nearly as important as my realization that I no longer know how to express my anger. So instead of ranting, I thought I would post a song that always helps to bring me back to my center.

The words that inspire me from this song are as follows:

"I am never broken" - I sincerely hope I do not break, I fear I am breaking; I've broken too many times over the last few years. I want to stand tall once again. I do not want to be defined by my breaks; I want to be defined by my strengths.

"We will fight, not out of spite, because someone must stand up for what's right" - I must keep telling myself that what I am doing is right, even in the face of ridicule. I must remember that no one will hear me if what I say is expressed in anger. Sometimes it is difficult to not want to rant in anger and in pain, especially when you feel like no one is listening when you are speaking with sincerity and compassion.

"In the end only kindness matters" - I don't want to be angry anymore, I want to reveal my compassion and kindness, it is far more rewarding to be kind than to be cruel.

Hugs to all that are struggling to be heard! Jane Doe 02

Inspiration

"Be the change you want to see in the world." Ghandi

I envy my dog (his crate)

Sometimes, I am very envious of my dog. He has a crate that he crawls into whenever he just wants to be alone. He liked his crate much better after I covered it with a blanket. I understand why, it is dark, safe, and keeps him sheltered from the outside world.

The first photo is of him taking a big, long stretch as he emerges from an afternoon nap. For the second photo, I had to lift the blanket back to take the shot. I risked waking him, but I just couldn't resist; that little tongue hanging out of his mouth was soooo... adorable.

Yes, I envy my dog.

I don't know if I ever feel safe anymore. Sometimes I curl up under my desk. Sometimes I curl up in my closet. Sometimes I go into my bathroom, lock the door, and curl up on the floor. The cool tiles feel good against my skin.

But none of that makes me feel safe.

Yes, I wish I had a crate where I could go and feel safe and warm and loved.

Upcoming Topics

My mind has turned to mush, and I am not sure I could construct a paragraph that makes any sense tonight. It has been a very emotional day. Deciding whether or not to start this blog was a difficult decision. In the end, I think writing it will turn out to have been the right thing to do. Yet at the same time, I realize I am potentially subjecting myself to skepticism, criticism, ridicule and rejection (not unlike making the decision to tell). Scary, but not so scary as to make me change my mind. The floodgates have opened and if my writing helps someone else than it will be worth it.

The state of my apartment reflects the state of my mind - a disorganized mess. I think I need to take some time to regroup before I try to write about something serious and emotional. So for tonight, I will post this list of topics I want to write about that I started earlier today.

1. Know what your medical records say
2. Failings of the mental health system
3. My envy of my dogs crate
4. Depression vs. Frustration
5. Therapy during a Civil Suit
6. To tell or not to tell - which hell is worse
7. Residential treatment programs
8. On Being Jane Doe - pros and cons
9. EMDR - I hear it works, but I am afraid
10. Some myths about TBI
11. You look great - you must be all better!
12. Silence - whose idea was that anyway
13. Understanding the GAF scale
14. PAWS Program - Pets and Women's Shelters
15. The taxi cab drivers fMRI study results - showing how doing something over and over again creates a super pathway in the brain - comparing that to how having to tell your assault story over and over again makes recovery from the trauma even more difficult
16. Civil Suit tactics used by the defense - it's not personal - according to who?
17. Psychiatrists and medication
18. Crying out for help - is anybody listening - why I tried to commit suicide
19. Psychiatric hospitalization - retraumatization can and often occurs in hospitals
20. Triggers
21. Bizare associations - I know I shouldn't be afraid of certain things but I am
22. My air mattress has a hole in it so I am sleeping on the floor - no biggie - I'll fix it someday - and other little things that really don't matter
23. The inability to set personal boundaries during a Civil Suit
24. Menopause
25. Civil Suit - having to turn over personal journals, therapist's records, phone records, and more. Having just about every detail of your life scrutinized by people whose only motive is to make you look like you are to blame for what has been done to you
26. Can they really test levels of neurotransmitters? And if so, why isn't this done before prescribing psychotropic drugs?
27. Screaming and the desire to scream and not being able to scream
28. Self-medicating and other unhealthy coping mechanisms
29. I would do better if I knew better - recovering from trauma
30. I need a vacation (seriously, I am not joking)

If you have any ideas about what you would like me to write about, please leave a comment.

Thanks, good night and big hugs to all!

Stand by Me

And I'll Stand By You!

Wouldn't it be great if no victim ever had to feel like they were standing alone?

Victim's Impact Statement

The following is the text of the victim's impact statement that I read at Mr. Higgins sentencing last year. I left in the note I wrote to myself at the end of each paragraph - take a deep breath. Honestly, when I finished reading it, I couldn't remember if I had said everything or not. It was a terrifying experience. Yet I know so many people never get to say how their rapist effected their lives. I will be forever grateful that I got the chance.

March 10, 2007

Dear Judge Morris,

Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to let the court know that Mr. Higgins’s actions were not just criminal, but unconscionable. It’s clear now that from the moment I first entered the Traumatic Brain Injury Program, Mr. Higgins began carefully planning his assault on me. From the beginning, he was more interested in questioning me about prior sexual assaults than helping me cope with the severe problems I was having in the aftermath of my injury. His persistent questioning on the subject of rape did nothing to help me deal with my daily struggles to manage my disability. (take a deep breath)

In fact, his dredging up memories of my prior rape caused me to become so severely depressed that I attempted suicide. On the day I attempted suicide, I spent over two hours on the phone with Mr. Higgins discussing my plan. Mr. Higgins knew had upset me and that I had been drinking; he also knew that I had a bottle of sleeping pills. Mr. Higgins did not report my suicidal intentions, despite his responsibilities as a crisis intervention counselor. Thank goodness for my father, who did call the police, otherwise I would have died. (take a deep breath)

Mr. Higgins took advantage of my brittle mental state when I returned to the TBI program. He began setting himself up as the only person I could trust and the only person that would keep me safe. He also encouraged me to stop having any contact with my friends and family because he said my relationships with them were toxic. I now understand that his plan would only work if he felt confident that I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to about what he was doing to me. (take a deep breath)

I was also in deep financial trouble, and in danger of losing my home. He told me was a real estate broker who had worked for Tom Monahan, the “Domino’s Pizza King,” as part of Mr. Monahan’s Real Estate “Dream Team” and because of this he could help me keep my home if I wanted. A few months into therapy he came to my home because he told me he wanted to see the house I thought I was going to lose and to help me make a decision about whether or not it was worth keeping. That was the day I walked into my bedroom and saw him on my bed in just his underwear. (take a deep breath)

Though I was extremely frightened, he told me he saw the fear in my face and that I should not be afraid. I needed to learn to “completely” trust him. How learning to have conversations with no clothing on was freeing and allowed for the most “honest” communication because you were not hiding anything. He said that he did not expect me to take off my clothes until I was comfortable with the idea. He then told me he had been a sex therapist and how he had been able to help many other patients overcome their fears. Subsequently, he began asking that I participate in both manual and oral sex with him. (take a deep breath)

On one of his last visits to my home, when he saw that I was becoming afraid of him, he grabbed my arms and pinned them above my head and forced my legs apart. He told me that I might learn to “like it” because it could be good with someone you trust, and he reminded me that “he” was not my rapist; rather that he was the “only” person I could trust. He told me I needed to submit to my fears because then and only then could I release my fears. He appeared to enjoy my fear, because for the first time he was able to maintain and erection long enough to ejaculate. Although I had entrusted him with details of the rape during my therapy sessions, I never consented to letting him reenact it. I am still haunted by my memory of this event. (take a deep breath)

He knew how badly he had upset me, but he kept telling me “God had sent him to me.” That Jesus was his only savior. That Jesus knew he was only human and therefore he would be forgiven and be given the gift of eternal life. As I am deeply spiritual person, I was disturbed that he would use religion to justify his assault. (take a deep breath)

The last time I had contact with Mr. Higgins, I had called him at the U. of M. suicide prevention hotline and told him I needed to understand “why” he was hurting me and that I was going to kill myself if he couldn’t explain. He told me he couldn’t help me. After the call I realized he “wanted” me to kill myself because he had a secret to keep. That he was hoping that I would sacrifice my life to keep his secret was appalling and my wake up call. My image of Thomas Higgins as a sweet, soft-spoken, and gentle hearted man would be forever shattered. That was the day I decided to report him. (take a deep breath)

But he had so cleverly manipulated the circumstances of his assaults that when I first reported his attacks to the University of Michigan and then the Ann Arbor police department, no one believed me. Since I had reported him to U. of M. anonymously, no action was taken. Because the police believed they had a case of “he said – she said” they inadvertently gave him an opportunity to destroy evidence that I believe would have revealed the true and complete picture of the horror of his actions. . (take a deep breath)

Despite being dismissed and ignored, I continued to try to alert the authorities to his predatory sexual behavior. He had revealed so many clues indicating a pattern of assault on his patients; that I felt a duty to do everything possible to get someone to listen. (take a deep breath)

Finally, when a second, and then a third victim came forward, one police officer, Officer Heather McDonald, began to take the investigation seriously. And when the third victim found Attorney Stephen Goethel, who grasped the outrageous nature of Mr. Higgins offenses, appropriate charges were filed on her behalf because Mr. Goethel’s office worked day and night to provide evidence to the Prosecutor’s office that Mr. Higgins had committed not only fourth degree criminal sexual assault, but first and third degree criminal sexual assault as well. Unfortunately, as a result of the plea agreement appropriate charges can never be filed on my behalf. (take a deep breath)

Ever since he assault, if I look at myself in a mirror, I am repulsed. His obsession with hair drives me to shave in my shower until my skin is raw. Because I couldn’t sleep in my own bed, I destroyed all the bedding that hadn’t been given to the Northfield Police as evidence, hoping this would help purify my home. His evil manipulation of my life and his assault on me has aggravated my depression to the point that I can barely function and struggle daily to find a reason to go on. (take a deep breath)

Because the Northfield Police were unable to get this man charged for his sexual assault in my own home, I am constantly in fear of another attack. And the false hope Mr. Higgins gave me that he could save me from foreclosure was also cruel. My home is in foreclosure and I am being evicted on April 25th. The progress I had started making progress in dealing with my disabilities in the Traumatic Brain Injury Program has now been lost. I am emotionally and financially devastated. (take a deep breath)

I don't believe when that when the criminal sexual assault statute was amended to include fourth degree charges that prohibit sexual contact between mental health workers and their patients that the court could have anticipated the actions of a Thomas Higgins. Three of his victims will stand before you today, however because he destroyed all of his patient records, the courts may never know just how many of the almost three thousand patients he served may
have also been sexually assaulted. (take a deep breath)

Mr. Higgins has by no means accepted responsibility for what he did. All he admitted to this Court was that he touched our breasts and buttocks; he did not admit that he coerced us into revealing the details of our rapes so that he could reenact them for his own sexual gratification. If his supporters or this court believe he has accepted what he did was wrong it only proves how powerfully deceptive he can be. Despite supporters’ efforts to present Mr. Higgins a man of extraordinary character, and that his behavior was aberrant and an anomaly, what he did was to systematically and deceitfully execute a series of heinous crimes over a protracted period of time, abusing vulnerable people using the power of his position. As, a licensed mental health professional, not only did he betray his patients trust, but the public trust as well. Take note that no one from the mental health community wrote letters of support. Fortunately, the state has taken away his license. (take a deep breath)

If the Prosecutor were able, I am sure Mr. Higgins would be standing before you today facing three life sentences for the at least four years he was committing premeditated sexual assault. Therefore I beg your honor not to give a moment’s consideration to his request to either serve a one-day sentence or pay fines for the eleven fourth degree charges. Rather, I plead to your honor that he serves every day of the regrettably short two year sentence. (take a deep breath)

I also petition the court to extend the order that Mr. Higgins have no contact with me for the rest of his life, and that he receive HIV and STD testing immediately to put our minds at ease. Additionally, I want to let Mr. Higgins know that I will take any opportunity I am given to be present at every parole hearing to ensure he serves his full, and hopefully long, sentence so that he does not get to devastate another person’s life. And finally, I want to take this opportunity to thank other victims for having the courage to come forward and to thank the court for allowing me to speak today. (take a deep breath)

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If you never had the chance to talk about the impact sexual assault had on your life, it is not to late. Write yourself a letter, even if you rip it up when you are finished. Or feel free to share your story in the comments.

Hugs to all survivors, Jane Doe 02

I Double Dog Dare You!

I'm finding the courage to stare trauma in the face!

My Story

Like many sexual assault survivors, I have been victimized more than once. When I revealed some information about my first rape in my late teens, I quickly learned that reactions can be cruel. The other thing I would learn in my teens is that you are not supposed to talk about it. Nothing would change my belief that telling would only cause more pain to the victim than to the assailant throughout the coming years.

In early 2006, I would encounter a therapist who was treating me in the Traumatic Brain Injury Program at the University of Michigan. He encouraged me to talk about my history of sexual assault and rape. Finally, I thought, I can learn to process my feelings and heal the wounds. He pressed me to talk about my history, about my darkest fears. It felt great to have someone to talk to about things I had kept carefully buried away. He asked me about the worst thing I had ever done, and I told him. I told him that I knew that one of my rapists had raped another woman and I had done nothing. I sobbed. He told me it was alright, I was protecting myself, that sometimes we all have to protect ourselves. He promised I could trust him completely, and I did, until he raped me. He used the stories I told him to recreate a prior rape, and when he was done he told me I would learn to like it.

I didn’t like it, I said no! So I told.

It was only six weeks after I began treating with him that I would first attempt suicide. My complete vulnerability after that attempt would make me a perfect target for his predatory and perverse plans. I wish I had known then what I knew now, but I didn't. That is why I am writing now, so other people can learn from my story.

Fortunately where I live, any sexual assault by a therapist is a crime, but I was trying to tell the University of Michigan and the police that he had actually raped me. Unfortunately, it would take seven very long and painful months before my voice was heard, and that was only because other victims started coming forward. I am forever grateful for their courage. Although I know my therapist raped me, he was not charged with that crime. He was however charged with 1st degree criminal sexual assault in another victim's case. In my case he plead guilty to four counts of fourth degree criminal sexual assault. Here is the link to the article about his sentencing. Ex-Therapist faces 2-10 Years

During the criminal case, it would be discovered that his predatory behavior extended back many, many years. It was also reported during the criminal case that he had access to over 3,000 patients in his 14 year employment. It sickens me to think just how many of these patients were potentially abused.

In the Civil Case, the University of Michigan is attempting to portray me as the one to blame. I am not certain what they are trying to accomplish, the evidence clearly proves I was telling the truth about Mr. Higgins, and in this case that is all that matters. He is a serial rapist.

I still cannot believe that there is a possibility that he will get out of prison next March. It seems like the criminal case just ended and the civil suit continues on with no end in sight.

The path my life has headed down because of this man is filled with pain and heartache, and I continue to spiral deeper and deeper into despair.

Last fall, I once again attempted suicide with alcohol and pills.

Then, on the anniversary of his sentencing, I seriously contemplated suicide again.

What is really sad is that I have been crying out for help for over two years, but it has been difficult to get. Especially because the University of Michigan has the right to obtain all of my medical records, so I always feel like I have an attorney sitting on my shoulder during my therapy sessions. But now I feel like I can write. The civil cases of all of the other victims have been settled, so in telling my story there is no longer any potential that anything I say could negatively impact their cases.

When I was first trying to heal, I REALLY wanted to be in a safe place, with people who could hear my cries. Domestic Violence Shelters won't take sexual assault victims unless they are in immediate danger from their attacker. The only place that will take you are hospitals (maybe) and then you are placed in lock down, and threatened with seclusion or restraints if you dare to cry out or scream in pain. So, “help” hasn’t always been so helpful. When I read this article I was astounded by the parallels to the treatment I received when I was hospitalized. Retraumatizing the Victim. I hope I can also use my experiences to make getting real help for other survivors easier.

Sometimes, after a therapy session, I would arrive at my home where I lived by myself and be very upset. I would end up having anxiety attacks because there was no one to talk to about my feelings. So, I also looked into private pay, residential treatment centers; places that would not just deal with my abuse of alcohol when I felt like I just could not cope anymore, but places that would help me deal with the real problems – sexual assault and PTSD. These treatment centers can be very expensive and I have no assurance that they will work. But even if I could afford them, I still had one final thing on my wish list, somewhere that I could bring my dog. He is cute as a button, and very much my link to my sanity. If you haven't heard about it, I suggest you read about the PAWS program. It is a program that is trying to get women's shelters to accept or care for pets. PAWS Program

I hate that because I self-medicated as a reaction to my trauma, that I am being treated like the defendant. But I am particularly disturbed that my use of alcohol and pills to attempt suicide are considered as evidence of alcohol abuse. They were serious cries for help. Not surprisingly, when other peoples focused on the alcohol as being the root of all my problems, the incidences of alcohol abuse and self-medication increased. Even when I did stop drinking, the pain did not go away. I felt so sad and lonely all the time, and so I just stopped talking to people about my pain. After all, I had stopped drinking so I must be better – or so I was told. I did not feel like my cries for help were being heard.

I am still trying to heal, and I am beginning to understand it may take a very long time.

That is the basic outline of the story. I plan to continue to create blogs that go into greater detail on the mental health system, telling, filing a civil case and more. I hope it will help.

Perhaps other victims of Mr. Higgins abuse will read this story and know that they were not alone. Or perhaps, after reading my story, you will have the courage to tell your story.

Despite the pain, despite being made to feel like I should feel shame, despite everything bad that has happened, I will never regret my decision to turn in my rapist.

Hugs to all survivors - Jane Doe 02

On Courage

I started this blog after reading comments on the The Survivor Thread [trigger warning] at Shakesville.

Although the stories there filled me with deep sadness, they gave me the strength and courage to share my own story. From here on out, whenever I wonder if I can't continue on, I will go back and reread the stories again - and I will know - YES - I can.

I decided my first post should be about courage, and I couldn't think of a better place to start than with entries I made in my journal on July 26, 2006 - just months before my nightmare would begin - and I would have to find the courage to say "NO MORE".

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Courage - I do believe courage is more than heroism. True courage is integrity, love, and the willingness to be honorable - to look beyond yourself and to act and live accordingly.

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Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame
Blessed is the flame that burns in the secret fastness of the heart
Blessed is the heart with the strength to stop its beating for honor's sake
Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame
A poem written by Hannah Senesh- World War II hero

This poem is wonderful, some could say it is only about the willingness to die for honor. I read it to mean that the right spark can light a fire that burns fast and deep in our hearts. Goodness - A desire for others - Lack of selfishness - Selflessness - A desire to be selfless - A calling to duty.

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Courage "The purest of life's treasures requires us to tap resources we are not sure we have."

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Courage "No one can be sure of their courage in every situation."

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I am only just beginning to learn about the depth of my courage.

Hugs to all survivors - Jane Doe 02