My Story

Like many sexual assault survivors, I have been victimized more than once. When I revealed some information about my first rape in my late teens, I quickly learned that reactions can be cruel. The other thing I would learn in my teens is that you are not supposed to talk about it. Nothing would change my belief that telling would only cause more pain to the victim than to the assailant throughout the coming years.

In early 2006, I would encounter a therapist who was treating me in the Traumatic Brain Injury Program at the University of Michigan. He encouraged me to talk about my history of sexual assault and rape. Finally, I thought, I can learn to process my feelings and heal the wounds. He pressed me to talk about my history, about my darkest fears. It felt great to have someone to talk to about things I had kept carefully buried away. He asked me about the worst thing I had ever done, and I told him. I told him that I knew that one of my rapists had raped another woman and I had done nothing. I sobbed. He told me it was alright, I was protecting myself, that sometimes we all have to protect ourselves. He promised I could trust him completely, and I did, until he raped me. He used the stories I told him to recreate a prior rape, and when he was done he told me I would learn to like it.

I didn’t like it, I said no! So I told.

It was only six weeks after I began treating with him that I would first attempt suicide. My complete vulnerability after that attempt would make me a perfect target for his predatory and perverse plans. I wish I had known then what I knew now, but I didn't. That is why I am writing now, so other people can learn from my story.

Fortunately where I live, any sexual assault by a therapist is a crime, but I was trying to tell the University of Michigan and the police that he had actually raped me. Unfortunately, it would take seven very long and painful months before my voice was heard, and that was only because other victims started coming forward. I am forever grateful for their courage. Although I know my therapist raped me, he was not charged with that crime. He was however charged with 1st degree criminal sexual assault in another victim's case. In my case he plead guilty to four counts of fourth degree criminal sexual assault. Here is the link to the article about his sentencing. Ex-Therapist faces 2-10 Years

During the criminal case, it would be discovered that his predatory behavior extended back many, many years. It was also reported during the criminal case that he had access to over 3,000 patients in his 14 year employment. It sickens me to think just how many of these patients were potentially abused.

In the Civil Case, the University of Michigan is attempting to portray me as the one to blame. I am not certain what they are trying to accomplish, the evidence clearly proves I was telling the truth about Mr. Higgins, and in this case that is all that matters. He is a serial rapist.

I still cannot believe that there is a possibility that he will get out of prison next March. It seems like the criminal case just ended and the civil suit continues on with no end in sight.

The path my life has headed down because of this man is filled with pain and heartache, and I continue to spiral deeper and deeper into despair.

Last fall, I once again attempted suicide with alcohol and pills.

Then, on the anniversary of his sentencing, I seriously contemplated suicide again.

What is really sad is that I have been crying out for help for over two years, but it has been difficult to get. Especially because the University of Michigan has the right to obtain all of my medical records, so I always feel like I have an attorney sitting on my shoulder during my therapy sessions. But now I feel like I can write. The civil cases of all of the other victims have been settled, so in telling my story there is no longer any potential that anything I say could negatively impact their cases.

When I was first trying to heal, I REALLY wanted to be in a safe place, with people who could hear my cries. Domestic Violence Shelters won't take sexual assault victims unless they are in immediate danger from their attacker. The only place that will take you are hospitals (maybe) and then you are placed in lock down, and threatened with seclusion or restraints if you dare to cry out or scream in pain. So, “help” hasn’t always been so helpful. When I read this article I was astounded by the parallels to the treatment I received when I was hospitalized. Retraumatizing the Victim. I hope I can also use my experiences to make getting real help for other survivors easier.

Sometimes, after a therapy session, I would arrive at my home where I lived by myself and be very upset. I would end up having anxiety attacks because there was no one to talk to about my feelings. So, I also looked into private pay, residential treatment centers; places that would not just deal with my abuse of alcohol when I felt like I just could not cope anymore, but places that would help me deal with the real problems – sexual assault and PTSD. These treatment centers can be very expensive and I have no assurance that they will work. But even if I could afford them, I still had one final thing on my wish list, somewhere that I could bring my dog. He is cute as a button, and very much my link to my sanity. If you haven't heard about it, I suggest you read about the PAWS program. It is a program that is trying to get women's shelters to accept or care for pets. PAWS Program

I hate that because I self-medicated as a reaction to my trauma, that I am being treated like the defendant. But I am particularly disturbed that my use of alcohol and pills to attempt suicide are considered as evidence of alcohol abuse. They were serious cries for help. Not surprisingly, when other peoples focused on the alcohol as being the root of all my problems, the incidences of alcohol abuse and self-medication increased. Even when I did stop drinking, the pain did not go away. I felt so sad and lonely all the time, and so I just stopped talking to people about my pain. After all, I had stopped drinking so I must be better – or so I was told. I did not feel like my cries for help were being heard.

I am still trying to heal, and I am beginning to understand it may take a very long time.

That is the basic outline of the story. I plan to continue to create blogs that go into greater detail on the mental health system, telling, filing a civil case and more. I hope it will help.

Perhaps other victims of Mr. Higgins abuse will read this story and know that they were not alone. Or perhaps, after reading my story, you will have the courage to tell your story.

Despite the pain, despite being made to feel like I should feel shame, despite everything bad that has happened, I will never regret my decision to turn in my rapist.

Hugs to all survivors - Jane Doe 02