I will get better

It is difficult to explain how my entire belief system seems to have been shattered. I took for granted how much we rely on our beliefs about how the world works to function normally in this world. I want to be happy and hopeful once more.

I think about last October and this March – the last two occasions when I drank in an effort to completely obliterate my thoughts – anniversary dates. Last October there were multiple issues that were facing me, including the anniversary date.

I had just been told a few months earlier, in the facilitation meeting to settle all the victim’s cases that the U was willing to settle the other cases, but my case had no merit. To be told that your life has less value is profoundly saddening, especially in light of the fact that I had the courage to turn the man in, that I had hung in there until the case was taken seriously.

Then, I was forced to go see a psychiatrist that the U had selected. I really did not want to go, but I was told if I didn’t go that my case could be dismissed. As part of healing, I have been told to learn to set boundaries, to learn how to say no. Yet, I was not allowed to say no to a situation that I knew would cause me even more emotional harm. Ultimately, I would be right about this psychiatrist. His purpose was to paint me in a bad light. The interview was supposed to have been recorded, but low and behold, when my attorney asked for a copy of the tape, it had “magically” disappeared. Oh, I mean the tape recorder didn’t work. My attorney had asked for the meeting to be videotaped. I wish they had allowed it, because he could then go back and play what I had actually said versus what was written in the psychiatrist’s report. Apparently, he didn’t have the facts to support a good story so he had to make one up – a tape of the interview would not support his findings. It is also profoundly saddening to feel so powerless to defend myself. Or that attempts to defend myself would be viewed as “blaming” or “excusing.” My life has not been led that way, I have been a survivor. My self-esteem and feelings of self-doubt make it difficult for me to believe that I could be found to be more credible than this psychiatrist.

All of this was happening just about two years after I was in the midst of discovering what a monster my therapist had been to his patients. I was losing my strength and courage to continue the fight. I lost the desire to live. I tried to commit suicide. I lived. So here I am, still fighting. Yet looking forward to the day that the fight is no longer a fight – rather a matter of living with compassion and contribution.

Do I really have a drinking problem? I don’t think so; I think I have a problem with believing, having faith, and having courage. I think I am discouraged and frustrated. I think this is not the way I want to live.

I also now realize why so many survivors have difficulty with anniversary dates. I don’t know how I will handle them in the future, but I know to say to myself “Danger Will Robinson, Danger!” and to make a plan to do something outside of myself for the day or the week or whatever it takes.

Today, I talked to a friend about how tired I was and how it was getting more difficult to rely on my faith to continue to carry me forward. She likened my situation to being in a marathon – how tired people get at the nineteenth mile. I liked that comparison, somehow it helped pull me up and allowed me to continue to move forward.

I am looking forward to going to a thirty-day dual-diagnosis problem. I am looking forward to having the time to start picking up the pieces and putting them back together again in a safe place. I have no illusions that I will be “fixed” in thirty days. I am hoping that this will be a good jump start to a long term process of healing.

I am looking forward to feeling joy, I am looking forward to true laughter. Jane Doe 02