I'd Need to Sleep

I don’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep. Too often, as soon as my head hits my pillow an unpleasant and random memory flashes through my mind. Sometimes I leave the TV on to drown out my thoughts. Or on nights like tonight, I just don’t sleep at all.

Too many nights I wake up in a panic, feeling the scream that wants to come out, but usually only kicking at an imagined attacker. Too many mornings, I wake up in tears, and have to get out of bed before the sadness of my dreams overwhelms me.

I am exhausted all the time.

So, to the people at the University of Michigan (and I do realize that it is just a few people) that are making decisions about the handling of my case, I’ll ask the following question.

Does it help you to sleep at night to tell yourself that:

• You take anonymous complaints seriously. (Although you ignored my anonymous complaints and allowed Mr. Higgins to keep working.)
• This kind of thing rarely happens. (Is that what you said the last time it happened? Is that what will you say that the next time it happens? Does that make it less egregious?)
• This kind of thing will never happen again. (Have you taken any steps to make sure it doesn’t?)
• It was my choice to report him, I didn’t HAVE to do it. (Therefore my choice to allow you to make my life hell for reporting him?)
• I only reported him because I was jealous. (Does it make you feel better to belittle the courage it took for me to tell? Does it make you feel clever to insinuate something even you don't believe to be true?)
• It is not important to look me in the eyes or to watch the video of my deposition. (After all, if you did, you might see real pain.)
• Because I was raped before, one more rape doesn’t make a big difference. (Even though it is well documented that retraumatizing a victim by a therapist can have horrible consequences?)
• Because Mr. Higgins didn’t claim to rape anyone that it didn’t happen? (Even though he has a huge incentive to lie.)
• He turned from Dr. Jeckyll into Mr. Hyde in 2004. (Even though you know that his abusive behavior began long before that?)
• He only abused the patients that filed criminal and civil charges before the statute of limitations ran out? (Did you even try to find out if there were more?)
• It wasn't a REAL promise you made to get me therapy to recover from my abuse almost two years ago. (After all, if I had gotten real help then you wouldn't have been able to get so much juicy information regarding my deteriorating mental health to use against me.)
• No one at the University of Michigan could have done anything to stop it. (Even though the signs he was abusing his position were all there?)

What else do you do to sleep at night? I’d like to know, because I’d like to sleep well too.

Wishing all survivor's sweet and happy dreams. Jane Doe 02