What Does a Victim Look Like?

Somewhere in the inches of documentation regarding my case the U highlighted a passage where I had told my therapist that I feared that because I don’t look like a victim that I wouldn’t win my case. My therapist got it mostly right – I did say I feared that because I apparently don’t “look’ like a victim if my case were to go to a jury trial, that my “looks” could influence a jury. Important point, I didn’t say if I don’t “act” like a victim. The U was trying to frame it as though therefore I was not really a victim, just trying to “act” like a victim. In that area, no acting is required. I am what I am, I act like I feel.

Brings me to last night.

I went to a very good friend’s "bye to our old" house party last night. While some of the women were sitting around talking I happened to mention that I had received an email from Tony Robbins talking about the new show coming out called “Breakthrough with Tony Robbins,” with the idea of coaching people who are struggling because of a tragic event or set of circumstances so they could start a new life. I said I thought it would be a fabulous idea to try to get on the show. Those words had no more come out of my mouth than one of the women laughed and said “YOU?” “You are so together, they want someone with problems! Can you cry on demand?” and so on… I responded by saying that if she knew my circumstances she might think differently. One of the other women, knowing a little about my circumstances immediately changed the topic of conversation.

This woman didn’t know me at all, where I lived, my situation, nothing. Yet she made a judgment that everything about my life must be fine because of my appearance. Which frankly I guess I should be flattered, but I am not. It many ways that kind of attitude only makes my sadness deeper. It is as if my pain doesn’t count because of the way I look. Honestly, I wish I did look the way I feel, being taken seriously would be easier and maybe then getting help would be much easier.

The other side of the "looks" sword is that apparently if you "look" fine but aren't people get upset with you. Like you had some magic gift that you wasted and it was your fault - not the fault of the rapist - your fault. Sometimes I really do wish I had a big scar on my face - would I "look" like a victim then?

I suppose taking a lesson from the Scarlett Letter, it would be best to brandish victims with a big “V” so that people would know how to identify us. Perhaps an “S” for survivor – and then maybe we should have a whole alphabet soup – “C” for Cancer, “D” for Domestic Violence, “R” for Rape – anyway I hope you see my point. You cannot tell by looking